The funeral is today. My head is pounding. I miss my Mom. I cannot even imagine what my father is feeling. When we go to their house I still smell my Mom there.
I seems that somewhere I read as infants we imprint with our mother by smell. All my life I have been comforted by that familiar element.
I must be at the anger stage because I am just pissed off at everyone. In fact I have felt this way for weeks.
During one of the last really good lucid days that Mom had I was visiting and just sitting with Mom. Dad was out on one of his errands. Mom and I got a lot said in those times. I had made her something to eat and she was laying down agin. I helped her onto the couch and tucked her in under the afghan. She smiled and said I wish you were here every day.
At that point I was there every day, it didn't matter that she could not remember but it made me feel so good to know that I gave her comfort.

My Mother died on Sunday - she went peacefully from this world - say hi George Carlin for us

(a day lily from Mom's garden)


Today was the day that we met with hospice. Mom has been suffering with stage 4 lung cancer since October of 2006. Last Friday the doctor confirmed for us that there were no further treatments that would make Mom feel better or cure her.





None of this is easy and I guess that goes with out saying.





As an only child I grew up very independent. My parents encouraged that. They raised me in a household where there were never any worries. There was never a question of anything running any way but smoothly. When it came time for me to move out on my own I was anxious to start my own household and run it smoothly as well. Mom and Dad were always there to call for advice.





Our roles reversed over the past 10 or 15 years. They came to me for advice on technology and the value of household upgrades and improvement's that needed to be made. I was uncomfortable with this role at first. I can't say that I am really comfortable now. What keeps me going is seeing the relief in their eyes when I solve a problem and make fixing it completely transparent to them.





I asked Mom's doctor to call hospice. This was the hardest request I have ever made. My Mom's cognitive abilities have been fading over the past 2 months and my Dad and I need help caring for Mom. I want everything to run smoothly for both of them. I don't want my Mom to be afraid or become upset because she doesn't understand something.





During the meeting with hospice I had to explain to my Mom and Dad what the "do not resuscitate" order meant. First the social worker explained it - I could tell by the look in my Mom's eyes that she didn't quite understand. She looked at me and said "what do you want?" I tried as gently as I could to explain it myself. I told her that what this meant was that if she stopped breathing or if her heart stopped beating Dad and I would not call 911. We would not have her connected to machines in the hospital and that we would let things happen the way God intended. She said "okay, that's right, that's what I want."





I feel a strange sense of relief now that hospice is involved. They are not the harbingers of death. They deliver dignity and tranquility in a situation where things seem impossible at times.

Hmm. It has been a while since my last post. So much has happened. I will start with a short burst.

The new David Sedaris book is on the way! The email came from Amazon last night! HOORAY!